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I went to a conservative Catholic high school. They fester and, in me, caused insecurities that are still being tended to. No one deserves to be confused about these things. And by continuing to educate myself and other people. I hope to keep myself balanced by reminding myself that my urges and cravings and kinks and preferences are not something to be ashamed of. I’ve only recently become very comfortable with my own sexuality. Who has the right to lie to me about my own body? When I learned the truth, I felt cheated and betrayed. I had been lead to believe for my entire life that the first time I had sex that involved penetration would be a painful, bloody, traumatic experience. I didn’t know until I was in my second year of college that a woman’s* hymen doesn’t break the first time she has sex with a man*. At the end of my tenth grade year, I had only kissed two girls, both of which had been extremely important to me. I couldn’t possibly tell people of Southside Highschool that I genuinely preferred to kiss girls, and even then it wasn’t so much an urge as a familiarity.
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I was soon the only one who had never had sex, let alone the fact that I had never even kissed a boy. I was the only one without a stroke on my record, without a girlfriend or boyfriend.
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I felt a pressure all around me, every day, all the time. Some became sexually active so suddenly that it was frightening to me.
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Since the start of puberty, I’d seen my peers start to migrate towards the opposite sex. It wasn’t until tenth grade that I realized that while having no interest whatsoever in sex or relationships made me an oddity, it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. How had I not thought of that? Of course gay couples liked to kiss and cuddle and fuck as much as the all the straight couples did. It never occurred to me that they had sex, and it was a weird and confusing revelation for me to come to. I had always believed that sex always one vagina and one penis, despite the fact that I knew homosexual relationships existed. It wasn’t until I discovered in ninth grade that I wasn’t straight that I came to realize that the only brand of sex in my dictionary was heterosexual sex. Learning the name of them suddenly made the acts dirty, and I stopped for over a year while I wrestled with my own “purity”. I didn’t know what an orgasm was despite the fact that I’d been delivering them to myself for a long time. I didn’t know what masturbation was despite the fact that I’d been doing it for years. So it wasn’t until the seventh grade that I learned the name for the frantic rubbing and the rush of good-feels that I often enjoyed after dark. But, again, I was just a kid so there was almost no doubt that I would miss a few. I was a smart kid and I managed to weed out a lot of the lies that were slipped into our curriculum. When we had sex education in school, my mother would go over the material with me when I had any questions that I didn’t feel comfortable asking the teacher. I knew how babies were made by the time I was in fourth grade, and none of that silly stuff about storks. Not the most glamorous of first orgasms but not the worst.įor as comprehensive as my mother likes to think she was when it came to my sexual education, I find that looking back I can find the holes in her teaching. Teen all of a sudden I was having my first orgasm on the floor of my closet in semi-darkness. Anyway I couldn’t find a story I liked so I ended up Google searching something I can’t remember now and ended up on Literotica, which is awesome, they’ve got a little bit of everything.Īnyway I pull my pants down and am sitting in the closet rubbing my clit when I reach the point right before orgasm, which is where I’d been stopping before, I didn’t really notice this time though because this time something just told me to keep going. I’d masturbated to smut before, and I knew what masturbation was but had never reached orgasm, I thought I had before but never actually had. I was 14 years old and it was January, I had just gotten back from my sisters hellish ballet audition (Small room, smelly kids = yuck) and I was supposed to be cleaning out my closet, I had shoved everything out of it and was sitting on the closet floor scrolling through FF.net on my phone and looking for smut fics.